i am feeling sick... literally even as i type this. must have eaten something bad, cos i feel like vomiting.

that's physical. emotionally i feel a little distance from all things real. perhaps this is what surreal feels. physical pain does that to you — inhibits you from really feeling. but i guess emotional pain that does as well, and worse cos you never know where that pain can creep into and hide for the longest time in the psyche cos we're too afraid to feel it.

i've been emotionally traumatised lately — i knew that cos i distracted myself from sleep for three nights in a row playing games and watching serials. i did sleep but only moderately for six hours or so instead of the usual 8 or more. then becos i was a little sleep-deprived, i delved to find reasons.

the reasons were easy to find, though the pain was harder to avoid.

the pain creased through and i am the better for it. but i am feeling sick now.

Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't. - Polonius, Act II, Scene II

the retreat this year, though, not as dramatic as last year's, prove immensely fruitful in more subdued lasting ways.

i found this out while sharing with some friends last night. it was amazing what i had harvested from those 8 days of silence:

the mystery of the Godhead Father
the compassion of the Lord Jesus
the help of the Spirit of grace
understanding of some verses that used to elude me